Now That’s What I Call Much Better: Death By 1001 Cutting Remarks Made Just For The Movies

now what I call much better death by cutting remarksInsults are uniquely funny things; or so the person doing the insulting uniquely appears to think they are! And just like other rarely-precious elements, they should be used very sparingly!

Which is why – apart from being a boldfaced liar? I thought it would also be very funny, to stint on this week’s article content and provide you with only “10” Cutting Remarks…and “01” more! Get it? “Noughtie” of me, I know! But I also know that a lot of these celluloid insults, have surprisingly one thingified element in comment! So check out the list below, and see if you “know this” too!

No. 1: “It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!” — R. Lee Ermey as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket (1987).

No. 2: “Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You’re just the afterbirth, Eli. You slithered out on your mother’s filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece.” — Daniel Day-Lewis as Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood (2007).

No. 3: “Your mother’s an astronaut!” — Wesley Snipes as Sidney “Syd” Deane in White Men Can’t Jump (1992).

No. 4: “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!” — John Cleese as French Guard in Monty Python And The Holy Grail (1975).

No. 5: “I swear, I’m so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she’s of age, I’m putting her in a home.” — Will Ferrell as Brennan Huff in Step Brothers (2008).

No. 6: “Fuck face… I like that one Errol. I’ll have to remember that one next time I’m climbing off your mum!” — Jason Statham as Turkish in Snatch (2000).

No. 7: “I am a man! I am an ANCHORman! […] I’m a man who invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.” — Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004).

No. 8: “You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!” — Steve Martin as Lucky Day in Three Amigos (1986).

No. 9: “You know what, Mom, you know what I’m going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it!”— Kevin Spacey as Lloyd in The Ref (1994).

No. 10: Is it true when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?” — Hugo Weaving as Tick in The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert (1994).

Aaand…that’s a wrap, folks, thank goodness! ‘Cos while I love a good laugh myself, and am forced to realize that whenever a trip gets made into Movieland – and especially one swaggerin’ down Comedy Genre avenue, nothing and no one appears to be off-limits! Surely variety should marginally still remain the “spice” of good movie-making Life?

Because as someone who has been quite happy to laugh all her own life from outta a Skirt… I was knocked clean outta my frilly socks therefore, to realize whilst  researching this article, just how deeply entrenched this whole movie-mania for making fools out of women is! Talk about a woefully reciprocal waste of human procreative labour! One making this woman seriously glad therefore, that she had decided early to bail on researching those other 991 list items, since likely to have been just as idiotically brain fart-esque, as the large majority of the above prime time “winners” proved to be!

Moral of this week’s tale? That even the funniest of comic set-ups will always ring upsettingly hollow, if the punch line keeps getting aimed both lazily and loutishly under the always handily available if “soft-brained” target of a Woman’s “Skirt”…up to and even including The Merry Movie-Maker’s own “mfg” mama’s!

Which is why next week’s article will take us on a whirl of dance, to hopefully clear the stinky air and get the morbid Grey Matter movin’ much more nicely along! And if perchance there (still?) exists any women in your own Life with whom you love to Live, Love an’ Laugh, you’re all cordially invited to: “Dance Movies That Moved You To Laugh Until You Cried.”

D. J. PAYNE, Dialogue Doctor – Denise is a banter dialogue specialist whose favourite thing to do is help other writers take their scripts from funny to Funtastic.
© Copyright 2021. D J. Payne.  All Rights to this Material fully Reserved by Author D. J. Payne.

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